So, you want to tell a sex joke? They can be funny as all hell, depending on your delivery, but before we go ahead and share some of our favorite ones, let’s break down some of the rules of telling dirty sex jokes.
First and foremost, know your audience. Don’t tell a racy joke to your coworkers or employees. These jokes can easily be misconstrued, and you don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. A dirty joke may also land you in HR, and we want to avoid that.
You also might not want to whip out a dirty joke in front of your parents, grandparents, or in-laws—but hey, we don’t know what your relationship is like your family, so you do you.
Second, don’t tell any sexist jokes. Outside of being offensive, they’re just not funny. “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” gags are played out. This is 2021. If you’re telling the same tired-ass jokes, you’re not going to be funny.
Lastly, you can dabble in Blue comedy (which is sexually explicit humour that’s really fucking crass and vulgar), but do so sparingly. There are quickly diminishing returns with any shock-value style of comedy.
All right. With that out of the way, here are 10 dirty sex jokes that are also pretty funny. (God bless Reddit and the internet; we couldn’t have done this without you.) Some are classics that are decades old, a few are newer celebrity comedian jokes you may recognize, and others are undoubtedly cringey, but that’s all part of the fun.
- A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can’t orgasm because it’s too damn hot.
They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.
After two minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, “Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel.”
2) A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, “Mom what’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?” She answers, “That’s his trunk.” “No, in the back,” the daughter says. “That’s his tail.” “No, underneath!” The mother blushes and says, “Oh that’s nothing.”
The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. “Dad, what’s that thing hanging down under the elephant?” “Oh, that’s his penis,” the day replies. “Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?”
“Oh, she’s just spoiled.”
3) A husband says to his wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?” She replies, “I don’t like calling you when you’re at work.”
4) Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, “Who is it?” followed by a man’s voice saying, “Blind man.” Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, “Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?”
5) My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
6) “I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup–just happy to be there.”—Russell Howard
7) A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, “Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?”
She winks and replies, “Why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
8) My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it, she had me pegged from the start.
9) The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow’s the one to prevent it.
10) A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?”
The father says, “Making a puppy.”
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
The father replies, “Making a baby.”
The little boy says, “Can you turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”